Can't Wait to Get Where I'm Going

January was an interesting month for me.

I am nowhere near meeting the goals I set out to accomplish by March 1st, but that's okay, because other life changes became priorities and despite the fact that I've gained more weight and daily beat myself up for making bad food choices and missing workouts, I'm happy.  Happier than I've been in years.

So here I'm going to discuss something only a handful of my followers here know:

I'm married. I have been married 8 1/2 years.  I've been unhappy in my marriage for 4 years.  I've been separated from my husband physically (living separately) for 2 months, and emotionally (disconnected and mostly uncommunicative) for about 6 months.

Last week I hired an attorney and made the decision to file for divorce.

This was not an easy decision.  My husband is a great father and a good person for the most part but he was not a good husband to me, and unfortunately no one but me can see that, because he kept it to home. I care desperately what others think of me, and the hurt I've caused my husband and his family and friends, hell, and mine too, is not an easy burden to bear.  No one on either side of my family has ever been divorced.  I'm employed only very minimally part time - I think I made about $6,000 last year total.  I haven't had a full time job in 12 years.  I have two children and I worry how this will affect them.  I wander around my house and wonder how the hell I'm going to cram all my things into an apartment, not to mention my boys who are already outgrowing the house they've grown up in.

That said, I'm making the right decision.  I've been so much happier, more peaceful, more free since being separated from him.  I'd rather be poor and have people looking down on me than to live with him again.

I've missed my online community of like-minded fitness-loving people, but I haven't had the mental energy to be there lately.  I'm eating like crap because I've been mostly living in a hotel for 8 weeks.  I'm only getting to the gym sporadically and have been so bored with my workouts that I haven't pushed myself in ages.  I'm gaining weight and I know it's time to refocus and get back to eating clean.  I'm committed to doing better in February.  Hold me to that, please.  I won't be deadlifting 200# or getting my bodyfat down to 15% by March, but I will be healthier.  I will put my physical health back up on top of my priorities.  I need that to keep my mind sane while I navigate through the scary process of divorce.

So this is my apology to all of you who deserve so much more of my time and attention who haven't received it lately.  I'm so sorry.  Please be patient.  I do love you.  I will be back.  <3 <3 <3

Detours Suck

So here's the post where I tell you what happens when you have a month full of stress, lack of sleep, lack of time, lack of energy, coupled with birthdays and holidays, traveling and extended family.

You lose your marbles.

First off, if anyone says sleep is unnecessary, they are crazy.  I went from sleeping 8-10 hours a night, to barely getting by on 4, regularly.  This had the ripple effect of devastating my heavy lifts - they went out the window.

Lack of time and energy meant less effort put into cooking and more time eating whatever was available - which typically was something covered in some sort of sugary processed sauce or made with refined flours and sugars.  Not good.  Less time also meant the gym fell down my priority list.  It had been my top priority for years - I worked everything else around my "gym time".  But in December I went several days between lifting, many times.

Then there were birthdays, for which I'd made cupcakes and cake.  And snow days from my son's school, which meant the cupcakes stayed home instead of being eaten by 24 munchkins in the classroom.

So all in all, December was a mess. And it shows.  My mental clarity went out the window. I've been overly emotional, super sluggish, lazy, achy, and cranky.

And my abs went to crap.  In the month of December I gained 1.75 inches in my waist and .75 in my abs.

End of November:

End of December:

Goals:  

Cut out the crap. Back to 95% clean eating.  By March, I want to be at 15% bodyfat and do a 200# deadlift for 1 rep. 

I'm going to do this. 

Hold me to it.

Progress Pictures: 6 months clean

May 30th, 2012, I started my clean eating journey.  I committed to 30 days of clean eating, no cheating. I was doing it as an experiment, mostly just to see what the fuss was about. To see if there were any discernible changes in my body, my mood, my physical feelings, etc.

This was day one:

This was after two weeks:

This was the end of 30 days:

This was after 3 months, which did include cheat meals here and there:

This was earlier this week, at about 6 months. 

I'm now at 6 months and I can't fathom going back.  I've never been healthier. My moods are, for the most part, stable.  My energy level is amazing.  I used to be exhausted from 2pm-8pm every single day.  Now I'm on the go from 7am-1am most of the time.   When I do cheat, I get visibly bloated, I am noticeably more tired, my efforts in the gym are terrible, I have limited mental focus, and I'm extremely moody.

People have asked if I changed my exercise routine at all during this time.  The first month, no.  The second month, no. The third month, maybe just a little, though nothing really significant.  My fourth month, I started pushing myself to do deadlifts and squats with regular frequency.  I started playing a bit with weight and volume and just having fun with my workouts overall.  That said, I can honestly say I was a pretty heavy lifter before, and that the changes I've seen in my body composition are 80% diet related.

What is Clean Eating?

Simply stated, the idea of eating clean is to eliminate processed foods.  This means getting rid of boxed foods, jarred foods, bagged foods (except frozen un-seasoned, no added sugar fruits and veggies) as well as most sauces, marinades, and condiments. It means no refined (white) flour, no refined (white, brown) sugar, no food dyes, no additives, no preservatives other than maybe a little sodium in canned items.  Personally, I only eat packaged foods that have 5 or fewer ingredients, all of which must be pronounceable  all of which must be known to me as real foods, and none of which may be sugar or anything ending in "-ose".

That sounds very, very restrictive to most people.  And frightening. It certainly is daunting, and a huge change. But it can be done.

There are many variations on clean eating. Google it and you'll find some people won't eat certain cheeses.  Or won't drink coffee. Or alcohol.  My advice is to do what works for you. I eat 95% clean. I have coffee and alcohol and cheese. And I have cheat days, though I've found it's best if I severely limit them.

This link explains some of the reasons why eliminating processed foods is so necessary and vital. It's about more than just weight loss. It is about your mental state, your emotional well-being, your physical health, your sleep habits, your LIFE:

http://www.100daysofrealfood.com/10-reasons-to-cut-out-processed-food/

This next link has further links to pretty much anything you'd ever want to know about clean eating:

http://www.thegraciouspantry.com/clean-eating/

And this one talks specifically about getting started:

http://www.thegraciouspantry.com/clean-eating/getting-started/

That site, www.thegraciouspantry.com , has a plethora of delicious clean recipes.  And if you're on facebook, search for the group Clean Living Recipes.  The site administrator is a woman named Andrea Graf Nolte.  Most of the recipes I use come from her.  Hers tend to be simple.  My kind of cooking :)

Let me say this: before you get started, plan out at least 3 days of meals. Shop for them. Possibly even cook several of them ahead of time.  My biggest mistake going into this was not being prepared!  As a 5x/week weight lifter, I am hungry all.the.time.  Trying to find something clean to eat when your home hasn't been stocked up with clean items is difficult!! And stressful! Especially if you're starving!

My staple foods: brown rice, whole wheat pasta, black and pinto beans, oats, clean peanut butter, green veggies, pork chops, chicken breasts, ground turkey, bananas, clean salsa, and clean tomato sauce. In bulk.

Figure out what foods you like best, how you'll most likely want to consume them, and prepare your kitchen.

Ok! I think that's enough information for blog number one.  Please let me know if I've left out something vital.

Coming soon:  Progress pictures from my clean eating journey.